Just headed through life whistling 'Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah' out of...

I have come around full circle in this...

It doesn't seem too long ago that it was me at the check out counter, trembling with irrational fear. At least it doesn't seem that long ago.

But, the other night I witnessed perhaps the most seemingly embarrassing thing a teenage "man" could get himself into.

Buying condoms.

For what looked like, from the box, a night "ribbed for her pleasure". His, too.
Yes, this poor guy, (wait, screw that, THE MAN), was enduring one of his rights of passage into manhood and I, the masterful child psychologist, was there to witness it. And, of course, I was more than willing to offer my plentiful, sage-like advice. Allow me to explain.

He correctly performed all the standard tactics of buying jimmy-caps for the first time.

We were at a party store, not a CVS or Rite-Aid or any other high profile pharmacy...just a seedy party store where I, after glancing at the latest editions of Swank, Asian Persuasion and Juggs, was purchasing a six-pack of Natty Light. He picked an out of the way place to buy them. He chose this locale presumably to limit his chances of people actually seeing him buy rubbers, a good choice, unneccesary in the mind of an aging veteran like myself, but understood.

He made the lady stay in the car listening to REO Speedwagon, Hinder or whatever sappy "wanna-get-in-your-panties" music those asshats listen to today. I imagine to make him look nonchalant and a professional. Good move.

He waited until he was sure that there was nobody left in the place to uncomfortably step forward and slink the Trojans onto the counter. But, he didn't see me creep up behind him with a smirk on my face and a six pack in hand. As soon as he put them on the counter though, he realized I was there. I know the owner of this place, since I make it a regular reading library, and I saw he had a smile on his face as well.

The poor kid made his mistake here.

He tried paying with change.

Uh-oh.

Trembling, nervous, anxious, turgid, however you would describe a sixteen year old about to lay the pipe for the first time (maybe), he was it. The change was all over the place, he was disoriented and I was laughing my ass off. I'm very senstitive to teens needs for "releasing pressure".

After a minute or so of him fumbling around like a monkey fucking a football trying to figure this out, and with "Dave" the store owner becoming agitated, I made a decision that I wouldn't make 99 out of 100 times...I politely interjected, said I understood what he was going through with a chuckle and I offered to purchase them for him. At first he was stunned. Then he accepted. Who wouldn't?

So, I put in on my tab, he picked them up, glanced at me weirdly and saw my goofy ass smile, and walked out the door toward his lady friend and what I hope was an eventful night of teenage fornication at the cemetery, a baseball dugout or a parking lot...romantic places, you know?
What I should've done was made him wait and told him a few things about the situation he was in. I would've said this had I had the chance.

"There is no need to be embarrassed to buy condoms. For two reasons:

1. You obviously understand this phrase:

2. You are getting laid tonight, my man! That's a hell of a lot better than my evening which will consist of me drinking crappy beer, scratching my ass, fidgeting with my balls and watching Borat for the 20th time.

So, relax, have fun! That first raincoat you attempt to put on, by the way, is shot already since you won't even get it on the tip of your dinghy before it becomes a "creamy sticky-sickle"...

The second one won't last more than 15 seconds either since you are a young-un, so you're a two-pump-chump. The third one will be OK. But, I recommend you purchase the box of 12 next time.

And remember, if she claims to be a virgin, but you wienie slide in there pretty damn easy, she's lying and is as loose as a screen door in a twister. (Another great reason you buy meat covers. Avoiding "The Clap".) Finish and then head for the hills...yelling all the way to your buddies, 'I hit that!' "

Ahhh...those were the days...